A Fragile Heart

Throughout my entire life I have always had a very sensitive heart and it's forever been very delicate and it's as if I am writing on the fragile and delicate cycle on tonight. 
I don't know why I have such an amazing fear of being found out and exposed by anyone. I'm always wanting attention yet I have sought the wrong type of attention.  I somehow think by comparing myself to others outsides will match my insides. 
Throughout comparing I always come up short and I have always felt like I am not ever going to be enough. 
Truthfully,  I am afraid of what society will think about me. Perhaps it comes across as self absorbing yet I beg to differ for it is absolutely and positively terrifying for me to move forward in coming to terms of rigorous and brutal honesty within myself. 
I feel as though I have been beat down so much by my parents that I've never felt true unconditional love. I was molested by my father and neglected and rejected and abandoned by my mother.  I was raised in a very dysfunctional family. I was also physically abused by my father to where he would spank me with his belt and leave welts on my hips from me trying to squirm to get away. My mother would see him doing this to me and then the next day before school she ordered me not to show the school nurse and I remember what she said that I deserved the beating that I recieved over some stupid little kid behaviors such as prank calling people.  To this day she denies that my father sexually abused me. I mean she saw him put welts on me and she would cosign it. I have always been called a liar by my mother when she lives in deep denial and she had munchausen syndrome by convincing the doctors and mental health professionals that I was mentally sick when indeed she was the one mentally deranged! I never had a chance to even know what a healthy and balanced mental let alone emotional health was.
When I started to make progress with a therapist or psychiatrist and they saw through what was going on with my parents or even get close to me they would pull me away from someone who I had built a repore with and take me to someone else and this kept going on and on. In a very big way the people who were to protect me and have my best interest in mind let me down.  This is a great nightmare that I wanted desperately to end and throughout my entire life I have always fell through the cracks!
Karlynda Stebbins

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