The Promised Daughter...

As of recently I found a scope on the social media platform on Periscope and it's a relationship and marriage scope. It's triggering alot of emotions and feelings that I have been bypassing deliberately.  You see, I endure physical pain in fact I have a unbelievable high pain tolerance to the point that when I go to do any surgical procedure I have to have twice the amount of Anastasia for I wake up during surgery. I remember picking a wart off of my toe as a little girl for I didn't want to go to the Dr to get it burned off. I broke my ankle last year and I had to have surgery and they put the screw in and it naturally came out. I went to the Dr and I had to get the screw out and I was not going to get it surgically removed and so the Dr took it out in his office and I didn't even flinch and I needed no pain pills afterwards either! Things like that doesn't even phase me, however what phases me is emotional and mental pain. Call me insane if you want to! What is i...

Heavenly Father, May I seek your face towards the thoughts and plans and the purpose that you have for me. I know that I am struggling with my new identity in you oh Lord. You say in your word that once someone honestly comes to you that they are a new creation in you. I'm not understanding what this means exactly for you know that I have had identity issues all of my life. I'm wearing my own mental faculties down and I have turned away from the life of drugs and prostitution and now the gay lifestyle and pornography and as you are well aware of the fact I have borderline personality disorder and autism to deal with. This is a very monumental task that you have anointed me with to write this book and to make myself completely vulnerable and forthcoming and open to you and I want to do this well, however how am I going to be able to find out what you want to show me? Getting out of the life of drugs and prostitution I had the judicial system here on earth to aid me now I hav...

Throughout my entire life I have always had a very sensitive heart and it's forever been very delicate and it's as if I am writing on the fragile and delicate cycle on tonight.  I don't know why I have such an amazing fear of being found out and exposed by anyone. I'm always wanting attention yet I have sought the wrong type of attention.  I somehow think by comparing myself to others outsides will match my insides.  Throughout comparing I always come up short and I have always felt like I am not ever going to be enough.  Truthfully,  I am afraid of what society will think about me. Perhaps it comes across as self absorbing yet I beg to differ for it is absolutely and positively terrifying for me to move forward in coming to terms of rigorous and brutal honesty within myself.  I feel as though I have been beat down so much by my parents that I've never felt true unconditional love. I was molested by my father and neglected and rejected and abandoned by ...

On Tonight I am going to write more transparent than I ever have before in my life.  First time for everything and I must start somewhere and that is the first step to recovery. To be quite honest I really don't have a clue as to my real true identity.  For years I had the need to be someone else and I would do absurd things to try to fit in with whatever crowds that would accept me.  Not too long ago I became saved and there's a scripture stating that the new has come and the old is gone,  however I can't honestly say that I understand nor fully comprehend what the meaning of this truly means. For so many years I was taken to therapist to therapist and psychiatrist to psychiatrist and I was diagnosed first with autism and then at the age of sixteen I was diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder.  I do have quite a few autistic tendencies however borderline personality disorder fits me for I have never had a clear understanding nor knew my own iden...

The Criteria for a Diagnosis BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotion, as well as marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by  five (or more)  of the following: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined  abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as " splitting ") Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsive behavior  in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Recurrent  suicidal behavior , gestures, or threats, or  self-harming behavior Emotional instability  in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours...

According to my mother she said that she knew something was wrong with me as a infant for when she went to touch me I would stiffen up.  She said that I didn't like to be cuddled and my mom said she would cry. I don't think that I bonded with anyone even in my mother's womb. I started to flip my hands when I was five months old in front of my eyes and that is a sure sign of autism.  When I was 13 months old my parents moved to Omaha Nebraska for my father to go to Grace College Of The Bible to become a Baptist pastor. My mom taught school in Council Bluffs Iowa and so my father was my main caregiver. When I was old enough to walk I didn't even learn to crawl or walk I was a natural born runner which I think is a appropriate way of saying that I was ingrained even as a baby to run away from my terrible Circumstances at my house.  One day after school my mom came home and I climbed up to my father's desk and I wanted to see pictures of me and I went to climb down an...