Highly Emotional!

As of recently I found a scope on the social media platform on Periscope and it's a relationship and marriage scope. It's triggering alot of emotions and feelings that I have been bypassing deliberately.  You see, I endure physical pain in fact I have a unbelievable high pain tolerance to the point that when I go to do any surgical procedure I have to have twice the amount of Anastasia for I wake up during surgery. I remember picking a wart off of my toe as a little girl for I didn't want to go to the Dr to get it burned off. I broke my ankle last year and I had to have surgery and they put the screw in and it naturally came out. I went to the Dr and I had to get the screw out and I was not going to get it surgically removed and so the Dr took it out in his office and I didn't even flinch and I needed no pain pills afterwards either! Things like that doesn't even phase me, however what phases me is emotional and mental pain. Call me insane if you want to!
What is insane to me is being able to deal with emotional and mental pain and being a whimpering around about the physical pain!!! It makes no sense however there is a oxymoron to that for me. I have borderline personality disorder and dealing with this on a daily basis is a very lonely and quite frankly a isolating gnawing feeling that is buried deeply inside of me. 
I know what caused me to become borderline and it's for the reasons being sexually traumatized my whole entire life and the rejection and abandonment and neglect that I felt by both my parents and including my peers as well.  That relationship scope is showing me exactly what I have been running from all of my life and that's having relationships with others period let alone knowing what a healthy relationship with a guy is all about.  I associated relationships with men and women with sex, pornography,drugs and bulimia to the extreme point of financial gain as well.  I was in the life of drugs and prostitution for over two decades and I was well-known for being a good hustling hoe back in the day especially when I was young for young sells in the sex industry rather it's pornography or prostitution, escorting or massaging businesses.  The older I got the less cash I brought in. That is just the nature of that lifestyle and business. 
Suffering from borderline personality disorder I do not honestly know what a healthy relationship is and being a severe sexual trauma survivor I attach sex to relationship and now I'm being made aware of how detrimental that philosophy is in the world of folks... I have some definite healing to do with my thought process is.
Karlynda Stebbins

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